FHM's Sexiest Women in the World 2009*

*debatable.

I don’t read FHM, but in an attempt to understand the logic behind this joke of a list…I ventured onto their website, saw this – along with the headline “Should Miley Do a Sex Tape?” – and then remembered, "I’m not a beerchugging frat boy from the Midwest," thus X’ing the window out and returning to my study.

First, who the hell is (#1) Cheryl Cole (seen below)?



Answer: She’s part of the UK singing group Girls Aloud. I assume they sound like the Spice Girls because I’m closeminded, but after a single YouTube search, I discover they sound worse. (Don’t bother.)

Second, I've got no qualms with the #2 choice of Megan Fox (seen below)... Unless of course, they’re referring to her judgment, because she’s in some sort of on-again/off-again relationship with a dude from the original 90210 and that confuses me. Seriously, is the has-been really worth the stress, Megan? It ages you. Six months from now, you won’t even be considered for a spot in the Top 50. Think about it.)



Nor do I have a problem with (#3) Jessica Alba, because I recognize her value would plummet had this list been based on talent. But congrats to (#4) Britney Spears for Biggest Turnaround, because this time last year, she looked like this and nobody bothered to glance twice at her unless she was taking really wide panty-less steps out of a car. And even then, we all cringed. Even boys. And they like free anything.

Adriana Lima (#6) is cool, but Anna Friel (#9) (seen below)? Who? I understand FHM is a British mag, but if fitting the criteria of Sexiest Woman means having the accent, that's just not enough. How her face (seen below) ended up anywhere in the Top 10 before a Scarlett or a Halle or even that Reality TV Russian Svetlana is beyond me.



Thankfully, they rounded the list out with the non-negotiable beauty that is Freida Pinto or else I would have boycotted their sales at all the Wawa’s across the country claiming it was run by “blind” men who made all their cover girls strip for “charity" (see: perverts).