Transformers: Revenge of Revisionists

AND WE'RE BACK... Our good friend, Da Lightskinn'd Assassin, decided he would rant about the completely awesome Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Without further ado...

I am not the type to proclaim superfluous Pan-African stories of early Egypt and how the great minds of Greece and Rome all learn knowledge from Timbuktu. However, I am tired of the racist revisionist’s tone of Hollywood: check Stargate, then The Mummy, and now Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Yet another science fiction movie that spews/spins the rouse about how all the Egyptian marvels and feats were alien-conceived and designed, those men of ‘woolly hair and bronze skin’ [sic] simply provided the physical labor. Bullshit! Why don’t these screenwriters re-imagine ancient Greece or even early Germany (I thought all Americans think that terrorism is ingrained in Islamic history)? Oh no, those civilizations remain untouched... but I digress.

I know some of you bastards thought I would have a whole diatribe about the Sambots in the movie. Ha! Yes, I was upset and ALMOST walked out the theater (“where is my phone?”, “dude I got your phone, we leaving”) then I did some research. Apparently, all the Autobots (except Bumblebee) learned to speak from watching television. Optimus Prime, I assume, watched PBS (shout out to Charlie Rose). So it is safe to assume the Sambots watched the Blacks Embarrassing Themselves network (106 & Park anyone?). Had they include this backstory, I think the Sambots would have been a social critique of the network ala Boondocks episode where the main character continuously watches the aforementioned network for weeks.

the boondocks - the hunger strike


Transformers had a horrible premise, no storyline and a dark hero who declares in the final battle scene, “I rise and you fall” [Didn’t Jay-Z say that to Dame Dash at some point?]. Overall, I liken this movie to Vanilla Ice’s Hard To Swallow... check the album reviews.

Who You Gonna Call? Maury, of course.

Hm...file this nugget under the (super loosely-based) term "creative."

I never cut school for a really good reason. If it was to see a movie, I'm sure I could've waited until the more proper time of 8:00pm. If it was to go to a friend's house, all I remember doing is talking at a kitchen table, in the same way that could've been done at, say, a table in the cafeteria. (I do recall us signing onto AOL a lot, but it was new! We could've had mail!) And if it was to go to the mall, I know I never had enough money to buy anything remotely memorable. I did steal from Claire's a lot often, again, useless pastime.

When I did stay home (for no other reason than to be bored and wish I was with my friends), I watched a lot of talk shows - never a soap opera cuz I'm not that type of girl (whatever that means) - namely though, The Maury Povich Show. The Anti-Springer, if you will. Or so it seemed at the time. All trickery, I've learned!

Please, someone, correct the 13-year-old me if I'm wrong, but was the show always about 400-lb toddlers, animal tricks, and baby daddy's? Or has it progressed, I mean digressed, into this?

Anyway, Detroit's own Judge Wade McCree (above) thinks Maury is the perfect candidate for some Scared Straight-type shit. He's begun sentencing fathers charged with failing to pay child support to the viewing of one Maury show a month. Like a dose of medicine for deadbeats. The men then have to report back to their probation officers with a summary. Like what children do with teachers. It's all very convoluted and forensic and you have to have a degree to understand why measures like this ever need to be taken. Hurts my head just thinking about it, but damnit, I'm gonna watch episode after episode until I understand this method and am near fit to be a judge myself.





Classy.

This Gives "Sandwhich" A Whole New Meaning

I am back, bitches. And apparently I should be headed back out to Quizno's.

Damn you, Quizno's. First you had Scott and that insanely awkward funny commercial ("Put it in me, Scott!") and now this (NSFW):




Smut + Viral Marketing = Genius

Ashanti Is Trying To Take My Black Card

I don't claim to have endured the "tragic mulatto" childhood that Mariah Carey so pathetically cries about (while drying her tears with diamonds), but I will say that being of mixed race gave my parents an awful lot of excuses to go above and beyond in explaining cultural differences. But only in really odd shallow ways. My father was ecstatic once my sister and I learned to exclaim "Dad!" with fervor, so as to disprove all the New York passersby's assumptions (inferred with evil stares) that his dark-skinned self was not, in fact, kidnapping us, as we were of a considerably lighter shade. Our color came in increments, and once he felt we had acquired enough tan, he began with the pseudo-schooling. First, the only song he encouraged us to learn on our brand new Christmas-gift Casio keyboards was Bill Withers' "Lean on Me," because, you know, it was about brotherhood and stuff. And he did his very best to remember to light candles for Kwanzaa, but my sister and I successfully trivialized that holiday into being one about saying "Kujichagulia" a lot and giggling afterwards. And who needs Cornflower-, Thistle-, and Periwinkle-colored crayons when all you've got are Color Me Brown books? Not I. But, if nothing else, I can say with conviction that out of this bombardment of blackness came my exposure to one of the best damn movies of all time: The Wiz. Because, no - as taught - the original was not iconic enough!



But now I hear Ashanti is reprising the role of Dorothy. On stage, nonetheless. A role previously owned by Stephanie Mills and Diana Ross (seen above). This bothers me. Pops would be so proud to see how worldly I've become per his instruction. And I feel Ashanti is trying to revoke me of my well-deserved certificate of culture by maybepossiblydefinitely ruining a truly significant sliver of my childhood. After all, something tells me she won't be able to pull it off.

Until then, a completely unrelated scene (YouTube is slacking):

All Hail King Henry...

Like most, I have been a longtime OutKast fan. HOWEVER, while I know most of you all worship at the altar of Andre 3000, you can more often than not find me down the street praising at Big Boi Baptist. Yes, I DID like Speakerboxxx better than The Love Below... There, I said it. I even liked Got Purp?, Vol. 2. So, it goes without saying that I am looking forward to Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty.

As a teaser, Big Boi teamed with the folks at Funny Or Die (my favorite comedy site) for this little jewel. Enjoy!

Big Boi Presents: King Henry - watch more funny videos

FHM's Sexiest Women in the World 2009*

*debatable.

I don’t read FHM, but in an attempt to understand the logic behind this joke of a list…I ventured onto their website, saw this – along with the headline “Should Miley Do a Sex Tape?” – and then remembered, "I’m not a beerchugging frat boy from the Midwest," thus X’ing the window out and returning to my study.

First, who the hell is (#1) Cheryl Cole (seen below)?



Answer: She’s part of the UK singing group Girls Aloud. I assume they sound like the Spice Girls because I’m closeminded, but after a single YouTube search, I discover they sound worse. (Don’t bother.)

Second, I've got no qualms with the #2 choice of Megan Fox (seen below)... Unless of course, they’re referring to her judgment, because she’s in some sort of on-again/off-again relationship with a dude from the original 90210 and that confuses me. Seriously, is the has-been really worth the stress, Megan? It ages you. Six months from now, you won’t even be considered for a spot in the Top 50. Think about it.)



Nor do I have a problem with (#3) Jessica Alba, because I recognize her value would plummet had this list been based on talent. But congrats to (#4) Britney Spears for Biggest Turnaround, because this time last year, she looked like this and nobody bothered to glance twice at her unless she was taking really wide panty-less steps out of a car. And even then, we all cringed. Even boys. And they like free anything.

Adriana Lima (#6) is cool, but Anna Friel (#9) (seen below)? Who? I understand FHM is a British mag, but if fitting the criteria of Sexiest Woman means having the accent, that's just not enough. How her face (seen below) ended up anywhere in the Top 10 before a Scarlett or a Halle or even that Reality TV Russian Svetlana is beyond me.



Thankfully, they rounded the list out with the non-negotiable beauty that is Freida Pinto or else I would have boycotted their sales at all the Wawa’s across the country claiming it was run by “blind” men who made all their cover girls strip for “charity" (see: perverts).

Peek-a-Boo Used to be Fun

So, I'm not a mom or anything, but I'm pretty sure this:

is not what they ("society") mean by closeness.

There has to be another way to establish a relationship with your child - you know, just in case DNA and umbilical cords and placenta aren't enough. Like forcing him or her to do the Macarena with you in front of a crowd full of strangers at the Marriott's "Midnight Social!!!" in Aruba. (Here's lookin' at you, mom). Or pulling your child out of class whilst in his or her favorite school (full of psuedo-BFF's and future heartbreakers) to - surprise surprise - interview for another school for "smarter kids." (Yes, pops, I sabotaged that entire Q & A, thus I was not their "ideal candidate.")

Parents: if you just have some patience, there'll be TONS of reasons for your kids to hate you. It just shouldn't start this early. There's, like, steps to this thing and they involve zippers and measurements and ... kids do unpredicatable shit, people. Like piss without warning. And unless you wear raincoats on a daily basis, it tends to permeate through cotton and silk and possibly polyester. And definitely fleece. And there doesn't seem to be an immediate release pull on this thing that parachutes the child out the bottom and onto land. So, I'm not a fan of this product. And I wouldn't get it for any moms I know either, because I'm pretty sure they spend enough time scrubbing Crayon and Kool-Aid stains out of regular things like carpets and couches - not things with made-up names like "Peekaru," made by folks who didn't use the phone until the age of 6.

Do you want to see how really ridiculous this is? Then watch these videos below:

Grand Theft Auto: Miami Vices

Scott Storch arrested for jacking a Bentley (thanks Hip Hop Official and TMZ). SMH. Read the story here.

Damn, Domino's... Damn

See... and I hated Domino's Pizza because the tomato sauce gives me heartburn. THIS is some other shit. Two employees, Kristy Hammonds and Michael Setzer, were recently canned for posting a really gross video on YouTube. See it below (yay!):



While I can't say I am surprised, as a child of the '80s, I don't know what's worse -- that or this:



Domino's CEO Dave Brandon may want to enlist the dynamic duo for his next TV spot. In the meantime, I am going to go an rent "Waiting."

Who Wants To Date A Celebutante

It's good when the nutjobs can make fun of themselves. Especially, the really hot nutjobs. Enter Lindsay Lohan's new Funny Or Die video. I am sure its everywhere but hey I needed a blogpost for today.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Thank God for Allure Magazine

I sincerely appreciate when women's mags encourage their readership to take pride in their bodies. Witness Allure Magazine's "Look Better Naked" issue. In order to inspire Average Janes everywhere to feel good about their bodies, the mag shot actresses like Sharon Leal (seen above), personal fave Padma Lakshmi and Dollhouse starlet Eliza Dusku in the buff. Brilliant! Thanks, Egotastic.

Making Power Moves

Hey TMB fans! Just wanted to let you all know that the kid is getting some love on the Internets. My good friends at Parlour Magazine have been nice enough to let me blog about for their hot site. Check out my first entry here! And shout out to Steely D, J.Baker, Mahogany Jones and crew for making a brother feel welcome!

WTF, Cassie!

WTF!!!!! Here I was about to shut down the internets for the weekend and I run across this photo of Cassie with her head half shaved. DAMN!

Thank God you can sing act dance look stunning! Sigh... OK, I still love you.

*Image courtesy of Cassie's twitpic*

A Star Fucker's Dream

Ripped right out of the headlines of Star, US Weekly and OK!, celebs are people too... and they have colorful relatives too. Don't believe me, then just watch this moving video from Funny Or Die.

Zac Efron's Pool Party from Zac Efron

BTW, if PWT relatives are Zac's only problem then I will switch places with him (Vanessa Hudgens included) in a heartbeat (I kid, I kid). And shout out to Latifah on the 1s and 2s. Do Jersey proud!

I Want To See It: Observe And Report

I am obviously a Seth Rogen fan. So, it should be no surprise that I am looking forward to seeing him do dark comedy this weekend in Observe And Report. And while I am not a big Anna Farris fan, her scenes in the trailer look hilarious ("SHOTS.... YEAH!"). Peep the trailer below:



BTW, if you love dark comedies (I TOTALLY DO!) then also check these out :

Bad Santa (Billy Bob Thornton + black midget + fat kid = Awesomeness)



Very Bad Things (Jon Favreau + Jeremy Piven + Cameron Diaz = More Awesomeness)

The Proverbial Fat Kid DOES Love Cake

As a former chubby kid and a dude who can stand to lose a few lbs, I can say this with little guilt... This shit is ridiculous. Watch and enjoy:

More funny videos like the "Fat Kid Raps About Food" at Heavy.com

Ironically enough, I was just telling someone that I wanted to adopt a fat white boy... because they're so hysterical on sitcoms.

Sunday Morning Quarterback: Seth Rogen on SNL

By now, it has probably come apparent that I think Seth Rogen is hilarious. So, I thoroughly enjoyed the Observe and Report star's appearance on Saturday Night Live last night. And while I already hear the Rogen blacklash brewing (Family Guy, I am looking at you), I have to say that the "lovable loser" schtick still makes me laugh -- perhaps because it hits so close to home. Anywho, here are my three favorite clips from last night's show.

"The Fast & The Bi-Curious" Do I even need to address this? Let's just say this takes the concept of "bromance" to a new level "Guys? Guys, what's happening?" Watch the clip below:



"Like A Boss" Officer Ross gets PWNed in the latest SNL Digital Short. I wonder how he felt about this? I felt like he should have made a guest spot... and that this reminds me way too much of my own former boss. Watch the clip below:



"Muppet Bus" Ahhh... childhood memories often included me imitating Animal high on cocaine so it only makes sense that I loved the Muppets sketch. And they even included Nipsey Russell... Who doesn't love Nipsey Russell? BTW, in real life Rowlf the Dog was black. True story. Watch the clip below:



TK.

Getting Into Bed With Wanda

Not unless you have lady parts, you say? Not so! According to the New York Times, Rev. Deb Wanda will be hosting her own late-night show on FOX. Wow, that means she will be in such esteemed company as Magic Johnson, Keenan Ivory Wayans and that guy who hosted the Vibe show. SMH.

For those of you who don't know who Wanda Sykes is, peep game below:

This Looks All Too Familiar

If you have ever gone to a bachelor party (check) or been the man of honor at one (check), then you will thoroughly appreciate the trailer for The Hangover. The film stars Bradley Cooper (Wedding Crashers), Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms ("The Office") and Mike Tyson... Yes, that Mike Tyson. Enjoy!

My Kind Of Celebrity Deathmatch

*NERD ALERT*



This is both awesome and ridiculous!

No.

*sigh*

let me gather my thoughts.

what the hell is this? ray-j couldn't knock tigerlily up with a 15 minutes o' fame warranty baby, so now he's back to music? and with a soundtrack to a reality show? (of which i'm sure 80% of the songs have the word 'sexy' in or him speaking in third person.) seriously, i would have rathered they'd had the kid. i'm willing to wait the 20 years it'll take for the little one to come out with a tell-all book detailing his homelife with those two. i can see it now: cheetahface went all lisa bonet in "angel heart" and ray-j is bobby brown: "i'm still the king of r&b!" what i am not willing to do is watch this again. but for the sake of the post, i digress.

first things first: my apologies, must've missed that album release party (:04). but kudos to the usage of the fedora and cigar, because we've never seen that before in a modern music video, and you swallow like a pro (pause) (:12). not really a fan of the shout-out to God (:26). you know, the one that precedes the bling and champagne bucket shot, but i wasn't directing this trash, so more power to inconsistencies. and p.s. you're a keeper, for real, but the only girl who was ever "ready to do what you say" (:40) was kim kardashian. and now she's dating reggie bush. zing.

moving along...that joke about 'caviar' (1:06) was funny...like yesterday.

no comment on a single thing from 1:25 - 1:35. just more silent head shakes and tsk tsk's and prayers you don't try to get into acting (but realizations that 'chardonnay' probably will). wait...LOL at 2:05: "i know she wants to dirty up my mattress..." you get half-point for creativity. seriously though, pointing out everything that is wrong with this? i don't do free labor.

Kevin Smith Does It Again...

If you haven't seen Zack & Miri Make A Porno, please do yourselves a favor and see it ASAP. I don't want to give any of the best shit away, so all I will say is this: Porn is funny. Marriage to a black woman is not. And someone needs to give Craig Robinson either his own show or a lead in a film.



BTW, the one other scene I wanted to post was unavailable for embed but you can watch it here. The Mac and Superman... who knew? SMH.

i want to hire this girl to sing and dance at my wedding.

what's really good in south africa?
no seriously. what, i say what, is really good.

someone failed to clue this girl into the fact that dancing (especially poorly) does not make up for your shitty singing voice. This girl is attempting to do a rendition of The Fugees' rendition of Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly," failing miserably, and, in doing so, making me fall completely in love with her. She sounds less like Lauryn Hill during her Fugees era and more like Lauryn after she had 80 babies and got all cracky. A hit at every lucky teen's mitzvah/sweet 16, indeed.

Lex Luthor Needs That Guap

If you know TMB, you know one of his heroes is Superman. Call me a nerd (I dare you), but the Man of Steel (no homo) has always been my favorite superhero. So, of course when I saw John Hamm portraying Lex Luthor in this Funny Or Die video, I knew I had to share it with you all.

I am not a fan of Madmen, in fact I have never seen an episode, but between this and his recent guest stint on 30 Rock, I may have to Netflix Don Draper and his boys.

"Lex Luthor Bailout" with Jon Hamm - watch more funny videos

I Seek Amy, I Seek Amy

WOW!

Britney Spears has done it again! I wouldn't call it a comeback (as per LL Cool J) but this video/song is dope. It seems like white girls are making all the good music right now -- Britney, Taylor Swift (yeah, I said it), Asher Roth and Kelly Clarkson. Peep Britney's "If You Seek Amy" below:

ScarJo Preps For Leather Cat Suit

Wow... Iron Man 2 is shaping up to surpass its predecessor real quick. Scarlett Johansson has been cast as Yelena Belova aka The Black Widow. Nice! And with her recent marriage to Ryan Reynolds, who plays Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, does that mean nerdom has a new king and queen?

In These Tough Economic Times...

You take the gig as it comes. Someone get me an app to this place.

Black Friend Finder - watch more funny videos

Is Wolverine Gonna Have To Cut A Bitch?

There are no words... Just watch!

One Can Only Dream

TMB has done it again. First we did this. And then added her. And now... We introduce Uncle Gigolo. He's a newbie to the blog game, so take it easy on him. For his first blog, he thought he'd tackle March Madness. Enjoy!

Imagine Michael Beasley vs. Blake Griffin, Eric Gordon vs. Stephen Curry, Derrick Rose vs. Brandon Jennings, Tyler Hansbrough vs. Greg Oden? Dream match-ups that will only happen in a video game. Tournament time is coming and the latest and greatest one and done stars have come to play. The new batch of star include; Tyreke Evans, Kemba Walker, Demar DeRozan, B.J. Mullins and Greg Munroe. Besides Tyreke Evans, none look like they belong in the NBA right now. To say the least most of the stars from the previous draft could have done with one more year in college. Skill wise most of them are raw and needed more development. The experienced underclassmen look very strong, this time around. The added year has improved their game in an all round way. All these dream match-ups could have been now. Nonetheless, this year’s tournament the top twelve teams in the nation, will show the world why the one and done system is a waste of time. This year may not yield a strong NBA class; however the tournament has star power and will be very interesting. Will Curry show the world he is best shooter in the nation? Will Hansbrough finish his career with a Championship? Will Blake Griffin maintain his dominates? Is DeJuan Blair the beast from the east? Can Evans be the new Carmelo? Will Wake Forest win one for their late Coach Skip Prosser?

I cannot remember the last time; the tournament had so many sub plots. Get the office pools ready, some popcorn and drinks. This is the March I remember.

Stephen Curry Highlight:



Tyler Hansbrough Highlight:



Blake Griffin Highlight:



DeJuan Blair Highlight:



Tyreke Evans Highlight:



Wake Forest's Jeff Teague highlight:

Get Terminated

In these tough economic times, I know folks get shook when they see the words "terminated," but in this case it's a good thing (unless you worked on the set of this film). Peep the new trailer for Terminator: Salvation below. Too bad the toys suck. Did you see Common's action figure? I know Com likes it and all.. but SMH

Pure Genius

The Frat Pack graces Vanity Fair's new comedy issue. If you have been a faithful reader of this blog, then you know how I fancy myself a black Seth Rogen (not really but I did love Pineapple Express). Either way, I will be picking up this issue pronto. I can't wait to see I Love You, Man.

On a semi-unrelated note, you all may notice that we have ANOTHER new blogger joining the fam. Everyone welcome, pants! I am sure you will quickly grow to love (or hate) her opinions on everything! Now if only Da Lightskinn'd Assassin would post something new.

dammit, janet

burritos? reeeeally though?

i don't judge. but come on. get it together, son.

Superman That Shoe

If you know anything about TMB personally, it's that I have a sincere child-like appreciation for all things Superman... and yes, that includes Smallville. That and G.I. Joe (but I already covered that). So, I had to post Dwight Howard's Superman kicks from the NBA Slam Dunk competition. I think Howard blew his load (no homo) doing the Superman schtick too early in the competition on Saturday, but props to Nate Robinson for coming out with the whole "Kryptonate" green uni, Pro Combat arm brace, Nike Foamposite Lite and basketball. Good Stuff. Peep Nate's winning dunk below:

Kobe Haters Unite

TMB is branching out! That's right! I want to introduce you all to the kid's resident NBA head and all-around good dude (sort of), Da Lightskinn'd assassin.

While I was upstate visiting a friend, I asked my dude to share his thoughts on the 2009 All-Star game. Without further ado...

The NBA stars were out in Phoenix on Sunday. And to everyone's surprise, at least those betting on the WEST, Kobe and Shaq were Co-MVP of the 58th Annual NBA All-Star game. It seemed that Kobe was just playing along with Shaq, when in truth, he still despises him. Yet again Mr. I wanna one-up Jordan (check his uni number) has taken home the hardware with Shaq right there, just like his three championships rings. That gonna irk Kobe . He took an obscene amount of shots in the first quarter (try hoisting up 10 attempts in six minutes at your local Y and you’ll be sitting on pine) and finished with game high 27 points, but the big cactus Shaq still joined him at the podium. Reflecting on the nostalgia of playing with the big fella, “We are not going to go back to the room and watch Steel Magnolias or something like that," said Bryant (see the video below). True indeed but perhaps Kobe should check out the “I Love You, Man” movie with his rekindled bromance.

I suggest you all keep an eye out for this cat. He may soon have his own blog... or at least a login here.

Adidas All-Star Exclusives

What more do I need to say? You can't even cop these in stores. Sometimes, I love my job. Stay tuned for more All-Star kicks to come.

I Read...

OK, I totally stole that line from a TV show but I refuse to admit which one. Anywho... I do read a lot of blogs (usually for my 9 to 5 slave) and sometimes they are so dead on I decide not to post on the same subject. With that in mind, I present my newest recurring post called (guess) -- "I READ..."

Busting on Olivia | Olivia Munn
Plasma Globe Dunnys | Kanyeuniversecity
Ray-J got fans... These are not them | about absolutely nothing OR Shining Path
The Best of Lonely Island | Complex
Cons and Kid Cudi Redo "Buggin Out" | Miss Info

T-Pain on SNL > Than "Dick In A Box"?

I don't know if I can honestly say that because they were two different types of songs. That said, I think we can all agree that one thing is clear -- Andy Samberg is a musical genius (I can't wait for The Lonely Island album). See y'all at the Boat Show.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

"Ms. Katie, You My Best Friend"

I know I am late in posting this so I will keep this brief and say, Lil Wayne + Katie Couric + talk of gangsters, "syrup," weed and bowling = Awesomeness! Enjoy!

Watch CBS Videos Online

The Melos... My Man

I feel like a dickhead. I have had these pics of the Melo M5s in my digital camera for ages (ages = 3+ months). Anywho, the good folks at Jordan invited the kid and a colleague out to see them back in November and they were pretty fly -- nice detailing and whatnot. Check them out for yourselves below!




Aiight, it's late... I am out.

Since Knowing IS Half The Battle...

OMFG! What more do I need to say other than watch this... and see you in line this August.



And yes, I did just nerd out for G.I. Joe. So!?!?!?

You Take The Good, You Take The Bad...

So, this morning I had the distinct pleasure of being on hand for the launch of the Air Jordan 2009 (no more numbers) which even included an appearance from the God himself MJ. The shoe looks dope, I got great pics (see above and below) and learned a lot about the Jordan Brand.

Overall, it was a pretty kick as morning. That was until I started hearing and reading one story after another about the Notorious premiere in Brooklyn. Now, I rarely go "out there" but damn it would have been nice to be invited. Sounds like it was the industry event of the year (pun intended).

Just when I start to think, "Oh, I like this entertainment thing again, I get kicked the dick." SMH

Back to filling out applications for FedEx and The Apple Store.

WAKE UP!

I'M SOON COME BACK! PROMISE.