Friday, April 24, 2009

All Hail King Henry...

Like most, I have been a longtime OutKast fan. HOWEVER, while I know most of you all worship at the altar of Andre 3000, you can more often than not find me down the street praising at Big Boi Baptist. Yes, I DID like Speakerboxxx better than The Love Below... There, I said it. I even liked Got Purp?, Vol. 2. So, it goes without saying that I am looking forward to Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty.

As a teaser, Big Boi teamed with the folks at Funny Or Die (my favorite comedy site) for this little jewel. Enjoy!

FHM's Sexiest Women in the World 2009*


I don’t read FHM, but in an attempt to understand the logic behind this joke of a list…I ventured onto their website, saw this – along with the headline “Should Miley Do a Sex Tape?” – and then remembered, "I’m not a beerchugging frat boy from the Midwest," thus X’ing the window out and returning to my study.

First, who the hell is (#1) Cheryl Cole (seen below)?

Answer: She’s part of the UK singing group Girls Aloud. I assume they sound like the Spice Girls because I’m closeminded, but after a single YouTube search, I discover they sound worse. (Don’t bother.)

Second, I've got no qualms with the #2 choice of Megan Fox (seen below)... Unless of course, they’re referring to her judgment, because she’s in some sort of on-again/off-again relationship with a dude from the original 90210 and that confuses me. Seriously, is the has-been really worth the stress, Megan? It ages you. Six months from now, you won’t even be considered for a spot in the Top 50. Think about it.)

Nor do I have a problem with (#3) Jessica Alba, because I recognize her value would plummet had this list been based on talent. But congrats to (#4) Britney Spears for Biggest Turnaround, because this time last year, she looked like this and nobody bothered to glance twice at her unless she was taking really wide panty-less steps out of a car. And even then, we all cringed. Even boys. And they like free anything.

Adriana Lima (#6) is cool, but Anna Friel (#9) (seen below)? Who? I understand FHM is a British mag, but if fitting the criteria of Sexiest Woman means having the accent, that's just not enough. How her face (seen below) ended up anywhere in the Top 10 before a Scarlett or a Halle or even that Reality TV Russian Svetlana is beyond me.

Thankfully, they rounded the list out with the non-negotiable beauty that is Freida Pinto or else I would have boycotted their sales at all the Wawa’s across the country claiming it was run by “blind” men who made all their cover girls strip for “charity" (see: perverts).

Friday, April 17, 2009

Peek-a-Boo Used to be Fun

So, I'm not a mom or anything, but I'm pretty sure this:

is not what they ("society") mean by closeness.

There has to be another way to establish a relationship with your child - you know, just in case DNA and umbilical cords and placenta aren't enough. Like forcing him or her to do the Macarena with you in front of a crowd full of strangers at the Marriott's "Midnight Social!!!" in Aruba. (Here's lookin' at you, mom). Or pulling your child out of class whilst in his or her favorite school (full of psuedo-BFF's and future heartbreakers) to - surprise surprise - interview for another school for "smarter kids." (Yes, pops, I sabotaged that entire Q & A, thus I was not their "ideal candidate.")

Parents: if you just have some patience, there'll be TONS of reasons for your kids to hate you. It just shouldn't start this early. There's, like, steps to this thing and they involve zippers and measurements and ... kids do unpredicatable shit, people. Like piss without warning. And unless you wear raincoats on a daily basis, it tends to permeate through cotton and silk and possibly polyester. And definitely fleece. And there doesn't seem to be an immediate release pull on this thing that parachutes the child out the bottom and onto land. So, I'm not a fan of this product. And I wouldn't get it for any moms I know either, because I'm pretty sure they spend enough time scrubbing Crayon and Kool-Aid stains out of regular things like carpets and couches - not things with made-up names like "Peekaru," made by folks who didn't use the phone until the age of 6.

Do you want to see how really ridiculous this is? Then watch these videos below:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Grand Theft Auto: Miami Vices

Scott Storch arrested for jacking a Bentley (thanks Hip Hop Official and TMZ). SMH. Read the story here.

Damn, Domino's... Damn

See... and I hated Domino's Pizza because the tomato sauce gives me heartburn. THIS is some other shit. Two employees, Kristy Hammonds and Michael Setzer, were recently canned for posting a really gross video on YouTube. See it below (yay!):

While I can't say I am surprised, as a child of the '80s, I don't know what's worse -- that or this:

Domino's CEO Dave Brandon may want to enlist the dynamic duo for his next TV spot. In the meantime, I am going to go an rent "Waiting."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Who Wants To Date A Celebutante

It's good when the nutjobs can make fun of themselves. Especially, the really hot nutjobs. Enter Lindsay Lohan's new Funny Or Die video. I am sure its everywhere but hey I needed a blogpost for today.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Thank God for Allure Magazine

I sincerely appreciate when women's mags encourage their readership to take pride in their bodies. Witness Allure Magazine's "Look Better Naked" issue. In order to inspire Average Janes everywhere to feel good about their bodies, the mag shot actresses like Sharon Leal (seen above), personal fave Padma Lakshmi and Dollhouse starlet Eliza Dusku in the buff. Brilliant! Thanks, Egotastic.

Making Power Moves

Hey TMB fans! Just wanted to let you all know that the kid is getting some love on the Internets. My good friends at Parlour Magazine have been nice enough to let me blog about for their hot site. Check out my first entry here! And shout out to Steely D, J.Baker, Mahogany Jones and crew for making a brother feel welcome!

Friday, April 10, 2009

WTF, Cassie!

WTF!!!!! Here I was about to shut down the internets for the weekend and I run across this photo of Cassie with her head half shaved. DAMN!

Thank God you can sing act dance look stunning! Sigh... OK, I still love you.

*Image courtesy of Cassie's twitpic*

A Star Fucker's Dream

Ripped right out of the headlines of Star, US Weekly and OK!, celebs are people too... and they have colorful relatives too. Don't believe me, then just watch this moving video from Funny Or Die.

BTW, if PWT relatives are Zac's only problem then I will switch places with him (Vanessa Hudgens included) in a heartbeat (I kid, I kid). And shout out to Latifah on the 1s and 2s. Do Jersey proud!

I Want To See It: Observe And Report

I am obviously a Seth Rogen fan. So, it should be no surprise that I am looking forward to seeing him do dark comedy this weekend in Observe And Report. And while I am not a big Anna Farris fan, her scenes in the trailer look hilarious ("SHOTS.... YEAH!"). Peep the trailer below:

BTW, if you love dark comedies (I TOTALLY DO!) then also check these out :

Bad Santa (Billy Bob Thornton + black midget + fat kid = Awesomeness)

Very Bad Things (Jon Favreau + Jeremy Piven + Cameron Diaz = More Awesomeness)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Proverbial Fat Kid DOES Love Cake

As a former chubby kid and a dude who can stand to lose a few lbs, I can say this with little guilt... This shit is ridiculous. Watch and enjoy:

Ironically enough, I was just telling someone that I wanted to adopt a fat white boy... because they're so hysterical on sitcoms.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sunday Morning Quarterback: Seth Rogen on SNL

By now, it has probably come apparent that I think Seth Rogen is hilarious. So, I thoroughly enjoyed the Observe and Report star's appearance on Saturday Night Live last night. And while I already hear the Rogen blacklash brewing (Family Guy, I am looking at you), I have to say that the "lovable loser" schtick still makes me laugh -- perhaps because it hits so close to home. Anywho, here are my three favorite clips from last night's show.

"The Fast & The Bi-Curious" Do I even need to address this? Let's just say this takes the concept of "bromance" to a new level "Guys? Guys, what's happening?" Watch the clip below:

"Like A Boss" Officer Ross gets PWNed in the latest SNL Digital Short. I wonder how he felt about this? I felt like he should have made a guest spot... and that this reminds me way too much of my own former boss. Watch the clip below:

"Muppet Bus" Ahhh... childhood memories often included me imitating Animal high on cocaine so it only makes sense that I loved the Muppets sketch. And they even included Nipsey Russell... Who doesn't love Nipsey Russell? BTW, in real life Rowlf the Dog was black. True story. Watch the clip below:


Thursday, April 2, 2009

Getting Into Bed With Wanda

Not unless you have lady parts, you say? Not so! According to the New York Times, Rev. Deb Wanda will be hosting her own late-night show on FOX. Wow, that means she will be in such esteemed company as Magic Johnson, Keenan Ivory Wayans and that guy who hosted the Vibe show. SMH.

For those of you who don't know who Wanda Sykes is, peep game below:

This Looks All Too Familiar

If you have ever gone to a bachelor party (check) or been the man of honor at one (check), then you will thoroughly appreciate the trailer for The Hangover. The film stars Bradley Cooper (Wedding Crashers), Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms ("The Office") and Mike Tyson... Yes, that Mike Tyson. Enjoy!